Consistency is key..

I am consistently unreliable.. does that count? No? Feck. Anyways, I am here now and thats, as I've been told, all that matters. Things are a bit up in the air right now, its looking like I maybe have a job opportunity (fingers crossed) for the summer. The other down fall to this, other then being away from my girls would be that I have to put off teacher training until Spring 2012. Also, if I do get this job I won't be able to practice in an actual studio for somewhere around a month. The idea of that is totally terrifying. I have reached a point where I feel physically strong and like I am about to really make some emotional / physical break thoughs and the idea of having to start over from the beginning is thoroughly upsetting. It would be an excellent opportunity to develop my home practice. Having said that, the hours of work are long and forcing myself to spend any free time doing anything but relaxing would be difficult. Maybe just what I need, a new challenge to help me catapult my practice into a new place. Any who, this is all just what if's. Hopefully I will know soon! As soon as I know, so will you!

So tired!

Ok.. So far it seems pretty much impossible for me to blog and work all in the same day. But here we are, progress not perfection.. I am doing this.. maybe not as consistently as I would like.. but its happening!

I believe I've mentioned on here before my "sleep stuff" as I often refer. I have always had problems sleeping, I am an insomniac. It does however seem to be extra extra shitty at the moment. Most day I wake up laying in bed for a minimum of a few hours waiting for my girls to wake up, too tired to get up and still not sleeping. It's completely lame on so many levels. It has been really upsetting me lately for one reason more then others.. For once, my practice seems steady and consistent, I'm eating well, my girls are well, my partner is well and still I can't stop thinking long enough to sleep! GRRrrrrRrrr! I think in the last week or so I have pinpointed the cause of this mental mumbo jumbo. I have reached a completely different stage in my practice. Yoga has always been mental for me and by mental I don't mean spiritual. Yoga has always been an awesome way to make me sleep, it calms my mind and my nervous system, yay! Trouble is it isn't doing anything for the brain bit right at the moment, for the most part my body feels great, but the monkey mind appears to be gaining speed and strength. Feck. Seriously? I find this a little terrifying. Although this too is another example of something that's said in the room ringing true in the rest of my life; "Whatever your practice is today, that's it and thats ok. No expectations, only intentions." The journey of  life / self discover / peace / mental health / self satisfaction is unnerving in nature (to say the very least) when one first realizes and accepts that they have no control over it. My intention is to allow Yoga to help me flush away my neurosis, self destructive behavior and habit.. This is not how its play playing out right now, plain and simple. I want to accept this new path, I don't however understand it and that makes it difficult. I am sure that now the seed is planted the answers to these questions will soon reveal themselves! Then maybe I'll get some damn sleep.

I found this amazing site out of Vancouver, its all about comics and exposing the locals. They have a few hilarious insomnia ones. Unfortunately I can't figure out how to give an image of any of them. My favorite is "The Dangers of Sleep Deprivation".

Awesome class tonight..

I don't have a whole lot to say about tonight's class other then; it rocked! I haven't practiced in the evening in such a long time, it was great, I saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in months and the class was rockin' and powerful and about a million degrees. Its absolutely astounding what the difference between a room full of positive energy will do to your experience. I want to thank all of those regular practitioners out there. Your awesome and I appreciate you!

Oh, on another note. I am making errors within my postures that I am repeating and am in the process of enrooting in my muscle memory. I am making a concerted effort to change the ones I am aware of. At the end of class today our teacher began talking about listening deeply and preparing for each posture as if you've never done it before. Sometimes I am sure they are listening in on my thoughts! Next practice this will be my mantra; "Listen".  Not a bad one for us all to remember in our day to day lives.

I found this on another blog, Check it out!

Standing Bow Pulling Pose

To be fair, this woman is a world champion.

There aren't many poses in the series that still make me want to cry, hit, stamp my feet and  storm out of class.. but this one does. I have a complete mental block against it. When I started practicing Bikrams I loved it so much.. I thought it was just the bee's knees. Somethings changed, I haven't been able to get in or out correctly or hold it for longer then maybe 5 seconds.  Today in class when we were setting up into it, I repeated the following in my head; "This is super easy, this is so much fun, I love this pose, I wish I could do it all day". And it still sucked.. However, it definitely sucked less. I was able to get into the position and although I don't have much depth the form was there. Yay, for progress and not perfection!

This is my version!

~I live a double life~

**Precursor to the precursor... This was meant to be online yesterday, however I am having some computer issues at the moment and it crashed and decided it was taking the night off.. I apologize for being absent for so long.  

*I had originally hoped to take an amazing photo of myself with really super gnarly makeup on one side and my pretty self on the other. Unfortunately the last few days have been a bit crazy with work and life so that just didn't come into fruition today.


The old work and home gag eh ..

              There are a great number of us out there allowing ourselves to be employed in frustrating, disheartening, unsatisfying and (possibly most important) unsuitable jobs. I can't take this, I will not take this. I am going to stand up for myself and allow myself to be happy. I will not continue working in a field that I fell into as a teenage, I will not stay because its comfortable and because its 'all' I know. I am brave and I will pursue my dreams to have harmony between my work and home. I wish the same for every other person I know and will ever know. We all deserve to be happy, we forget that sometime. Our work life is an overwhelmingly important part of that equation. I adore all of the people I currently work with, but that is not enough.

             I look forward to waking in the morning and being excited about where I get to go, even on the days that I have to work! As a direct result of that I will also be a better mother and friend. I appreciate that I have come to these conclusions at a younger age. For all who have enter into their Winter years hating what they have done for 20, 30 or 40+ years, for them I vow not make that mistake. 

              I feel as though I am two different people. I am the mother, the muse, the handy man and cleaning lady at home, a place where my job is fulfilling, satisfying and wonderfully gratifying  . At work I am the opposite of that person, I do the things that I am told to do, usually to the best of my abilities, I handle certain situations well and others with a great deal of anxiety and frustration. I generally take nothing away from this job other then the distinct desire to have a large cocktail and a cigarette. This is unacceptable.

I will merge my two sides and experience harmony because of it and quite frankly, I can't fucking wait!!

Pigeon?

One

Two

Three

So, I had a lot of things I needed to do today and although I did get a handful of important things done, I didn't get to practice! It makes such an enormous difference to my day, I really do feel ever so slightly depressed on days that I don't. I am sure it isn't a guilt thing or trick of the mind, it just balances me out.  

~However~ My neck and hips are very tight even though I practice as regularly (intention) as I do, so I decided to get a RMT to work me over. She gave me a few tips for loosening the ol' hip flexers, one of which is Pigeon Pose. A pose I absolutely LOVE, practiced a lot about 3 years ago and have long since forgotten. My form here is not totally accurate, I didn't warm up as much as I should have, but I wanted to show these three expressions. And it definitely still feels good!

P.S. I promise I will get better at taking photo's, this is a learning experience for me!